Don't fight! Surrender!

Ok, so I know that if you are out there with a cancer diagnosis, that everyone has been up your tree about " the fight against cancer" and how you need to " fight" to stay alive...I get it.
I have been there, heard every cliche and come to my own conclusions as well.

For me, cancer was not a fight, but more like a sucker punch in the stomach. By the time I recovered from the hit, another one was coming right at my head, with the news of the chemo I would be taking for the next 6 months. Getting back from the doctor would be another slam right in the chest as I would watch my 2 year old jump on my bed giggling, wondering if I would see him go to kindergarten. The bone marrow test was another cheap shot to my lower back, kicking me while I was down. Each day came with a bully called cancer designed to take me down any way possible. I met with fear, anger, and despair at different points of each day.

After months of suffering and the mental marathon that goes along with the whole cancer journey, I had to choose how I wanted to handle this thing.
My biggest problem is that I felt like my whole life was a fight to survive. I had survived child abuse and neglect, I had lived in foster care, I had watched my mother die on my birthday, and honestly I had really had enough of the " fight" aspect of life.
Now I know that for most people that the " fight" works for them, but for me it was a surrender.
When I was diagnosed, there were moments when I actually felt a bit of relief because now I had a reason to slow down and take care of myself. Before I was always on survival mode, now I had the chance to learn how to actually LIVE!~

For me I had to surrender, completely.
I had to surrender to the fact that I did not have all the answers.
I had to surrender to the fact that someone else was going to be in charge.
I had to surrender to my faith in God and that he knows way better than I do what I need.
I had to surrender to God that I needed him more than I wanted to admit.
I had to surrender that if I did not make it that my kids would be ok, and that my husband would do a great job without me... this was my hardest moment, and it was the moment that saved my life.
A complete surrender means thinking all of the thoughts that you never want to think and realizing that it is ok, no matter what the outcome.
I am still scared, I am not invincible, and still even with all that I have been through, I will tell you that I want to control things all the time, and when I do, is when I am most stressed.
Ok I get it....I surrender!
Remember, cancer is a word, not a sentence...